The world has become increasingly divided, with the advent of social media, on-demand streaming news, and adaptive internet browsers. Our reality is increasingly curated for us. It is literal to say we experience a different view of the world than those we disagree with, as we are presented with different facts, stories, and arguments through group polarization, and people increasingly are only exposed to ideas that echo their own biases. This is made it increasingly difficult for people to find common ground or bridge differences of opinion. And there is no end in sight.
In his book “Talking to Strangers,” Malcolm Gladwell presents a case that we are not equipped to understand strangers.
- We are confident in our own complexity, but simplify and stereotype strangers. We believe we can judge strangers based on little information.
- We default to truthfulness unless presented with a trigger to doubt, because most encounters in real life are honest. Society can’t work with default to skepticism. So we assume strangers are presenting their true selves.
- Facial expressions and body language are rarely accurate; some people’s demeanor and thinking are mismatched, especially with alcohol.
- When people aren’t transparent, we typically misjudge them.
In her book “How to have Impossible Conversations,” Peggy Boghossian suggests a plan of attack for difficult interactions:
- Productive conversations must be collaborative: lecturing, coercion, or arguing almost never change minds.
- We must demonstrate a willingness to listen and build rapport. This breaks down defenses and allows people space to reconsider what they believe.
- To change minds, you must first plant a seed of doubt. Many people live with an “unread library effect,” trusting in the expertise of others as a placeholder for understanding. Modeling ignorance can force others to demonstrate their understanding, or lack of, without feeling defensive.
- Rapoport’s Rules for Arguments:
1. Restate your partner’s position.
2. List all the points you agree.
3. List what you have learned from the person’s position.
4. Voice disagreement
- Many positions are not based on evidence, but on moral or social factors. Try switching to logic or disconfirming questions. We all have a moral dialect, that charges words with different meanings.
- During the conversation, you can guide the direction, similar to a hostage negotiator. Using “minimal encouragers” (i.e. OK, I see) and mirroring the last few words said, gives feedback that you are listening and engaged. “Building a golden bridge” helps people change their position without losing face. Start small and work up, by agreeing on small issues first.
In “Talking Across the Divide,” Justin Lee discussing talking to those we disagree with.
- The world had become more extreme and less tolerant of opposing views. Using strategic dialogue can help people find common ground. It helps to know a person’s position (what they want) and their interest (why they want it).
- Five barriers to dialogue:
1. ego protection (need to paint your partner in a good light to avoid defensiveness).
2. team loyalty (emphasize the individual over team)
3. comfort (raise uncomfortably ideas slowly)
4. misinformation (explain how you recieved info, not just info)
5. worldview protection (beliefs connect to other beliefs)